Life

Here is the skinny as they say. I both love and hate my job. Right now it is more of a hate. It has been a long summer and I am just burned out. Working 7 days a week is tough on me and I won't lie about that. The last day I wasn't at work was back in April when we were closed for my Grandpa's funeral. As it stands right now, I will have been at work 361 days out of 365 this year. Now you can see how easy it is to get fed up with work. It also sucks because this is a retail store and I have to be nice and polite every day to people I would rather just punch in the face. Also, my hours at work suck. I work at least 8 till 6 every day. This makes for a long week, especially when I have to stay later than that. Sad thing is that from here until Thanksgiving my hours get extended and that is all that gets extended. I am just expected to work longer and harder because it is beneficial to the business. I hate it. I am tired of it. I am very seriously thinking about telling my dad to shove it and walking away. I am there. There has to be more to life than the life I am living. I don't think we are suppose to work all the time and not enjoy the wonders all around us. There are really two problems for me from here.

First is the major problem. I don't know if I really can leave. I know I can quit and walk away and that there is nothing my dad can do to stop that. That isn't my problem. My problem is that I care too much and feel too responsible. Let me explain, but I can really only scratch the surface. I do everything here for the most part. The IRS, State of Colorado, the bank, or any of our vendors call and they talk to me, not my father who owns the business. Legally I can't even sign a check on the business account, but I handle everything for the business. Isn't that screwed up? I know how things would run if I left. I spent years straightening things out and I know they will revert as soon as I leave. I don't want that on my conscience. We have a busy and thriving business (I thank GOD for it). Two of us who have been doing this for a while sometimes have a rough time handling everything. I know my dad, he won't cut back and this will only add stress to an overweight 60 year old man. That worries me. As much as I hate my job, I would hate worse for me to leave and then my dad get sick or worse because I left and he tried to do the whole thing by himself. I see that happening and that has kept me here and kept me from moving many times. Why I feel responsible is beyond me, but I do and I still can't shake it. If I could get over that one hurdle I would be gone. As much as I want to leave, I can't. That means I will probably be here hating things until who knows when.

Second issue. If I were to walk out of the business and leave it high and dry, I would have to move out of Colorado and I really don't want to do that and I don't know if I even can. I love this state and I love the cold weather and I know I couldn't handle a hotter climate that I would have to move to. No matter what I was doing, if I was in this town or even the state, I would get drawn and sucked back into things. Distance, as in miles between us, would be the only thing that would keep that from happening. The heart wrenching thing is that I really am contemplating moving. All of you know where I would move to, which state at least.

There is a third issue. I don't have a clue what I would do for employment. In all honesty I have been my own boss for so long that I don't know if I could subjugate my will to someone else's easily. I speak my mind and let the chips fall where they may these days. Where I am, there really is no one above me. This also means that my pay grade is higher now and I would probably have to take a cut in pay. That isn't so much of an issue to me though. I could definitely take a pay cut if I lost some responsibilities and not have to deal with some of the crap I have to deal with. This crap gets on my nerves and I am tired of dealing with it. I guess it could come with working as much as I do for 8 + years. The lack of free time and then the little free time I have is really starting to eat away at what is left of my soul. The reality is that all of the people I care about (except my parents) and the people I really think of as friends, are so far away from me and I am missing out on some important things and events in their lives. What also doesn't help is that there is no selection of quality women up here to seek out. We won't go into that today. As you can all tell my life and my emotions are in a tail spin and in turmoil.